Review: Downtown Abbey

If you haven’t seen Downtown Abbey, then you really haven’t been living. I am not ashamed to say I finished an entire season of the hour-long drama in one weekend, and have been in mourning ever since I finished the third season. The thing that really draws me in is their lifestyle. Like why does Sybill complain that her life consist of going to balls, parties and dinners? And why was Mary so hesitant to marry Matthew? The heir of Downtown, yes they’re cousins but that’s just a small detail, that can easily be overlooked. You have a personal ladies maid, whose job description includes doing your hair, everyday? Yes please. A set of kitchen maids who prepare your breakfast, lunch, dinner and afternoon tea? Of course. Balls and charity events to which you get to wear the finest fashions of the 20’s? Why not; and best of all drinks in the library ever day after dinner, and not a judgmental eye in sight.

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Please never use the words mouth and lubricated in the same sentence

Stop asking me if I like white guys

Here is something I’ve heard twenty three times too many over the past four years.

This pisses me off for several reasons. Firstly, in defense of all the white boys out there, don’t make them seem like they are some alien creatures, although some of them may be (I joke). They are men just like all the other men.

Secondly, don’t make it seem like it takes a certain type of black girl to be attracted to a white guy. An attractive man is an attractive ass man no matter what color he is — he’s just good looking, and call me crazy but I like myself a good-looking man.

Sometimes my friends will turn to me and be like, “Oh yeah, but you like white guys, right?” as if to say I have an exclusive contract with the White Men of America Inc. where I am only allowed to be attracted to those of a certain European descent.

Now let me tell you something that many of you can relate to: at an institute of higher learning, in the northeast region of the United States, our numbers drop DRASTICALLY. I’m talking ‘I can count the number of brothers on my own hands’ drop. Pickings are slim and slim are the pickings, and if you want to be a gold member of the BBC let me tell you something, video honey, you’re gonna have to take a number and wait in line.

I digress.

What I am saying is, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, so excuse me if at times I walk out of the dark and into the light (hardy har).

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What I’m trying to say is this: stop making me feel weird about myself when I say I think a guy is cute, and if he happens to be white don’t make it seem like I have some weird thing for white guys. FYI I have a thing for all guys. #blackgirlproblems

Review: Jobs

So you’ve put out 20 or 85 resumes and you’ve finally heard back from someone! yay! It’s probably been so long that you’ve forgotten what companies you’ve applied to. You’re excited! Gone are the days of lounging around the house all day, watching all your favorite TV shows, eating endless amounts of Frosted Cheerios at 2:30 pm, and having casual lunches with friends at 4. Finally you’ve entered the real world, you have a bedtime, you have a desk, a computer, a phone, and if you’re lucky a time sheet. Then, after a week, you realize it sucks.
Working is terrible.
I hate waking up early, I hate answering the phone, I hate driving to work, I hate punching in on a time card, I hate having to smile at co-workers at 8:30 in the morning and I especially hate having to put on pants, every.single.day.
You think work life is filled with happy hours, flirting with co-workers, and cute work clothes. You’ll finally be able to save up enough money to buy that fabulous blazer from Zara or those casual nude pumps from Steve Madden, until you see your paycheck and realize that $10 an hour is actually $7 an hour….thank you, taxes.

Like Eli I’m from new Orleans I’m a giant in this bitch move the G and add an S and put the I before the N and put the A in front of that and that is what I am to the end.

Can you guess what Wayne is spelling?

WELCOME- to Weezy Wednesday’s

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Lady

Lately I’ve been hearing about and reading a lot of books on men. Act Like a Lady, Think like a man, Manology, etc. Books that help us figure out how you think. We’re not like you. you’re not like us, it’s about time you start figuring out how we think.

All these books are about how women need to understand men, and figure out how they operate, “Let them be men” don’t do this, do that etc.

What about us?

Where are the books for men?

Don’t let these talk shows and books make you think you have the problem or even are the problem.

Do you know how many times a week women turn men down? Countless. They need the help, not us.

“You need to understand how women work”. People, especially men think they know how women work. We’re emotional, we all want a good man, a breadwinner, a king of the castle and we’re hopeless. We don’t know how to get a man, keep a man and keep him happy, when we see you we start planning out wedding, calling our friends to analyze everything and freak out when we don’t get that goodnight text or call. Right, ok.

What we must remember ladies is that we sit on a gold mine. A gold mine that has started wars, gold mines that men have lost their lives over, a gold mine that gets us free drinks.

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To all you men out there, stop fighting our nature and let us be women, it’s about time that you learn to work with us, not the other way around.

We care about you in a different way that you care about us, we want to know how you feel about things. I know men don’t always like to talk about feelings, expressing themselves and we’re just supposed to accept this and move on. No, how about you suck it up and talk. If we ask you how you feel, dig into that second grade vocabulary bank you have somewhere in your head and tell us. It won’t kill you to sit down for five minutes and talk, yea it might not be in your nature to do this, but it’s also not in my nature to wake up at 7 a.m. and go to work everyday for $10/hr but I do it anyways. Deal with it.

We want you to show that you care about us. Apparently according to these relationship books you don’t think of these things, you don’t think to bring us home flowers, send a text during the day asking how we are, pick up dinner on the way home and we’re supposed to accept this and work with you. We’re supposed to bring it up ourselves and tell you what we like. Well I’m telling you now, do it. It not rocket science, do something nice for your ladyfriend, let her know you appreciate her, even if you say it over a text, it won’t kill you, it won’t take up that much time out of your day and it will make us happy. Who doesn’t want a happy women?

We’re supposed to let you be men? Well you need to let us be women and since some of you are still stuck in the 1950’s let me refresh your memory a bit.

Yes. there are girls who want to settle down, be taken care of, and are fine with being submissive. But then there are those who don’t want to be housewives, they don’t want to have dinner made for you every night when you come home, they don’t need a man to be the breadwinner of the family, they don’t want a macho man who doesn’t express his feelings, they don’t need to have a man to validate who they are, they too need to have their money and job right before they settle down, sometimes there just out to have a good time, they don’t want to be tied down, they’re not agonizing over your every move, not overly jealous and suspicious, they are not constantly husband hunting and planning your future together, and maybe just maybe some women don’t want to get married, settle down and have children.

Everyone also seems to be forgetting to mention the huge elephant in the room. Guy’s are more sensitive and clingy than they let on to. In fact, they’re out right annoying. Wanting to cuddle, hold hands, go out on dates, making it known to everyone that he just happens to be with you.

No.

Maybe you happen to be a starter man until I find someone better one, maybe I’m not that interested, or maybe I’m just lonely, so please, keep it in your pants and keep your mouth shut. When I text you at 10:30pm don’t play games with me and wait until 11:45p.m. to respond because you wanna be macho and make it seem like you don’t care. At 10:30 I happen to be free and by 11:45 I will most certainly be in my bed eating pizza. BYE.
“If he doesn’t get what he want’s he’ll find it elsewhere”. Is that so? is that why we should always be on our little tippy toes? making sure his needs are met? so he won’t step out on us. How about this, WE will go looking elsewhere is OUR needs aren’t met. I know statistics might make it seem like women cheat less than men, but do you know why those statistics are so low? Because we’re just that good, women are sneaky and we do it better than you ever could. You would never know that we’re cheating unless one of the guilty ones slip up and say something. We don’t gloat about it to all our boys, and we’re not sloppy. If we’re not getting what we want from you, whatever it may be, please believe we will find it somewhere else, and you will never even know about it.

So before you approach us with a ten foot pole remember this, we know what we’re doing, we know how to do it, and we do it better than you.
Gold mine baby, the place that dreams are made of.

Only in the Bronx can you find canned foods from the 90’s on the bodega shelves, and think nothing of it

Review: Weather

“The weather outside is frightful”. Frank Sinatra was obviously thinking about DC when he wrote this line. I don’t really know how to describe it, but I can say with confidence that it’s not pleasant. It tends to snow in April and temperatures sometimes top 70 degrees in February, and let’s not even get into the summer. I can only compare summers in DC to to getting a bad perm. [Quick note: this is the process of chemically straightening hair]

When you get a bad perm the chemicals usually sit on your head for too long and it begins to burn. Not like “oh, I got to close to the fire” burn, or “oh, some hot oil splashed on me” burn. It’s more of a “I just ingested fire and my brain is literally melting” burn. The intensity of the heat is unbearable, uncomfortable, and unsettling, and there is literally no escaping it. The worst part of all? Both the perm and the weather leave your hair looking an absolute hot mess.