Review: Cuba

Before we get into the photos (and yes there are a lot of them) let me answer a few questions.

Yes,all of the cars are like that, I maybe saw 5 that were modern

No, your cellphone will not work AT ALL

Yes, they like Americans, it’s our government they don’t like (neither do I so it’s cool)

No, you’re fine, I went with my 3 girl cousins and we walked around at night by ourselves

Yes, it’s cheap AF and the food and drinks are delicious, my whole trip was maybe $1k including flights, air bnb, food, activities, taxis (and we ate at the most expensive restaurants)

No, your credit cards will not work AT ALL

Yes, the majority of the people speak Spanish and a little bit of english but really try and know some Spanish before you go, it’ll make your whole trip easier.

No, it’s not hard to enter the country, don’t let the press fool you

Yes, they love Che and do have some issues with Castro (who doesn’t)

No, you shouldn’t judge anything about the country, place or the people until you visit, and not just visit with learn some of the history, talk to the people and really try and have an open mind if you did you might just learn something 🤔

Yes, I went with an open mind and did all of the above and my conclusion? Like always America is the worst 😂

Now for the good stuff.

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Review: Sunday Scaries

No matter how much you love your job, your life, your apartment or the dinner you ate the night before at some point in your life you will experience what we lovingly call the Sunday Scaries. This is when the weight of the weekend, the week before and just life in general begin to weigh on your shoulders and you wonder is it all worth it? Should I just cash in my money, move to Atlanta and become a stripper (not to say stripping isn’t difficult because it damn sure well is).

Now don’t get it twisted the Sunday scaries don’t come every weekend, just after a particularly fun weekend, long weekend, one where you’ve done a lot of shit things, the weather is beautiful, the weather is shitty or just randomly! The point is I had them today for the first time in as long as I can remember and it really had me fucked up. I do a lot of self care things, I eat tasty foods, paint my nails all the time, read self help books, watch all the trashy TV I want etc. so when I get down it startles the fuck out of me and I don’t know what to do.

So today I went for a walk, ate ice cream and am making this blog post to help lift my spirits. I hope none of you ever have to go through the Sunday scaries, and if you do I hope you have a laundry list of things you can do to make yourself feel better.

HAPPY SUNDAY BITCHES.

Review: Apple Support

SO I just had to write this review at the tender hour of 10:17pm on a Monday night because I was about ready to flush my iPhone down the toilet until I spoke to the lovely Brent over at Apple (also big shout out to the Scottish/Irish man who helped me on Sunday).

Long story short, I got an iPad in 2013 for Christmas (literally besides my Beats headphones this was the best gift I’d ever gotten). I  used it faithfully and merrily for 3 long and luscious years UNTIL January of 2017 when some fucker managed to hack into my iCloud account, change the primary email address and LOCK ME THE FUCK OUT. For 1 long strenuous year I was unable to use my beloved iPad and because the little ho-bag changed my security questions I couldn’t get in. But that all changed today, my sweet father (shout out to you Terry Washington) trekked his black ass up to Maryland, went to the Best Buy in Wheaton (don’t worry he was already up there for business) got my receipt and NOW after 374 long days of pain and suffering I’ve been reunited with my iPad (First World problems, I know). IN MY DEFENSE, I’ve been flying a lot lately (yes I hear how spoiled I sound with every stroke of the keys) and I just started watching this new Spanish telenovela called Velvet. Anyways, Apple Care was SO GOOD TO ME. So helpful even when I couldn’t fully explain myself, and they’re able to like remotely control your computer so that when you’re an idiot like me they can help you out faster.

The point is, I love Apple Care, fuck Android, Steve Jobs forever (only second to Wakanda)

Review: Saving money

So I’m trying to be a grown up, and put away a little money for savings, for some traveling, buying a house a new bag, a Cartier ring, normal things — but it’s hard.

Living in a city is full of temptation, I want to go to brunch, I want to buy expensive sushi for lunch, take ubers everywhere and just generally be a bougie lady but alas, I need to be a savings Susie.

It’s hard when Beyonce is coming out with concert tickets, and headlining Coachella, Revolve has a new sale every day,  and there’s a new noodle restaurant opening down the street from me but sacrifices must be made. Since the invention of credit cards (way before I was born) I’ve struggled to not justify buying something I normally can’t afford and just make little itty bitty baby payments on it every month, which is why I’ve now found myself with an amazing 4 credit cards with a combined limit of well over $100,000 (thank you American Express). Swiping that amazing piece of plastic and watching those rewards (or free money as I like to look at it) build up is a feeling that cannot be beat.

Plus, my dad always said, good credit is super important so why wouldn’t I want to keep building it up?

On a serious note, saving money and being frugal sucks, but I’m sure one day when I’ve finally purchased my home in the south of Spain and I’m wearing 5 Cartier bracelets it’ll all be worth it.

Thuggers finest p1

For those of you who don’t know I’m obsessed with Young Thug, even though I can only understand about 78% of what he’s saying in his raps (I think that’s pretty high). I used to only do this Lil Wayne, but I’d like to bring Thugger into the lyric breakdown (aka me posting some of my favorite lyrics of his). This gem comes to us from “No Limit” by Usher, where another of one my favorite lines comes from “Give her that ghetto D”

 

You finer than wine
Baby girl I ain’t lying
Make my homies drop a dime
Commit a crime
Jeopardize my lifeline
Just to see your vital sign
Ain’t no limit, babe we do it larger
Ain’t no limit babe when you a starter
Martyr outsmart the ‘Rari, ‘Rari
Fill the session with Bacardi Barbies
Kerosene, kerosene
Promise spin, washing machine
Thin waisted primadonna
Never limit, I’m a stoner
Tinted out, them never rentals
Fuck them boys, they always get us
Bottle and rag denim
I’mma spend my night with ‘dem
I could put karats all over you
Karats all over you
Never mind, we only poppin’ shit
Man I been getting high with these fools
And she said all her friends fake, was solo rocking
And she a real bad bad bitch, she ain’t gotta Photoshop it

Review: The Irish Whiskey Museum

In honor of my upcoming weekend I’d like to post a little ode to the Irish Whiskey Museum. Hopefully I haven’t done this already, but anyways here it goes.

The Irish Whiskey Museum is located in Dublin, Ireland probably 10 steps 10 minutes from the Dublin Castle. Anyone that’s been out drinking with me in the past 2-3 years knows that my drink of choice is a whiskey ginger (now I prefer bourbon but who’s keeping track) so when I first realized that going to Ireland for a visit was possible (and extremely affordable, thank you Ryanair) the top travel destination on my list was for sure this glorious museum. Now I’m also a huge fan of castles (shout out to Romania for blowing my mind) so when we went to the Dublin Castle and learned it would be an hour and and a half wait until we could enter the castle we logically decided to hit up the museum in the meantime. You’ll definitely have to forgive me on my lack of details on this post because I can’t remember much about the museum except for the fact that we got a flight of whiskey when we were done.

Here’s a complete list of things I do for sure remember

  1. The Whiskey was FRESH AF
  2. It was around 12 noon when we entered and we had not eaten breakfast
  3. Our tour guide was Irish (duh) didn’t catch half of what he said
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  5. They had a room full of like all the whiskey bottles ever created, it was awesome
  6. There was a really weird section where they re-enacted the 4 whiskey powerhouses
  7. Like it was weird holograms of them and they were fighting with each other
  8. Don’t ask me who they are
  9. Actually I remember Tullamore Dew
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  11. Here are the whiskey’s (after I drank one two)
  12. I stole a glass but don’t know where I put it
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  14. This is us after we forced ourselves behind the bar to take photos with our guide
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  16. This is the meal we ate after we left
  17. I don’t remember any of the Dublin Castle

Thanks Ireland! I love you.

Segovia, Spain

Segovia is a picturesque (sorry I hate that word) town in the NWestern part of Spain, aka it’s about 20 degrees colder than where I live. Besides the fact that is was cold as shit (maybe 50’s so not even really that bad) it was beautiful. It was a roman (I think) town so picture cobblestone streets, yellowish brick and lots of monuments. It takes about a day or two to see everything so no need to spend too much time here you can walk the entire town in about a day. Also if you go you have to try cochinillo or as my host family explained to me – a baby pig who has not yet left it’s mothers teta…pleasant. I know.

Here, is Segovia

Cathedral!!

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Aqueduct! It’s seriously so large

 

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A really creepy pig-wolf statue with babies

 

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Snow White’s Castle

Castle from all angles. It’s really impressive

 

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Cambios, Spain vs. America

This afternoon my host dad (Jorge) asked me – Lindsey, what are the differences between Spain and America. I’ve had some time to think about this as this is my second go round in Espana (what can I say I love the Spanish)

The truth is there are waaaaay too many to count, but in an attempt to humor him and myself for that matter I decided to compile a short, but I think very accurate list.

  1. Structure. I grew up in a household where fast food was food group and the car was my kitchen. It didn’t matter where we were, what time it was or what the food was. We ate when we wanted, where we wanted and what we wanted. Here is a little different.

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Pasta for dinner? No. Hamburgers for lunch? don’t even ask. Dinner at 6? you must be joking. The structure is intense. Soups, rice and pasta are to had for lunch. Burgers and salads for dinner. For snack (aka America’s lunchtime) fruit. I eat a small sandwich and still get weird looks from the teachers. One time I dared to bring pasta and it seemed like the pueblo was going to implode.

I. cant. stand. it.

For a fully grown lady (I say that only because I pay all my own bills, but by no means am I an adult) it’s extremely frustrating. If I want pizza for breakfast lemme have it, pasta at noon, take a chill pill, pero bueno. I digress.

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The only good burger in all of Spain

Also what’s with always setting the table? I literally say down to eat solo style and the mesa was set to a tea, bread, water, glasses, forks and knives. It’s just not necessary and seems like a waste of energy.

2. The Food. Now I know a lot of people say “Omg Lindsey the food in Spain is so good!”. To which I respond, what do you think Spanish food is? Paella? yes, for special occasions – Birthdays, Holidays, and the occasionally visitor – so we’re talking 3-4 times a year. What else you got? Tapas? Ok good, so exactly what do you think is on your tapas? If you guess sardines, sausages, boiled eggs, octopus, morcilla (google it) and tuna, then you are in fact correct. They are, how do I say this gently, not all their cracked up to be. And just like with any other food, if you eat it everyday without change you will get sick of it. But Lindsey, what about the olive oil? Yes they do cook with a lot of olive oil, but not in a good way, my fish, hamburgers, vegetables and everything else is literally boiled in olive oil and let me tell you that shit is not pleasant. Unlike the grease in America that be blot of or that dries, olive oil does not, it pools into your plate, on the crevasses of your meat and especially in your skin. Greasy much? thank you, yes I am.  Like really? Me muero.

My friends and I regularly sit down at our dinner tables only to find that our main course for the night is a plate of sausages, pig lips, a bowl of broccoli and other creations. Let me just tell you right now, that when I talk to you and I saw I miss American food don’t you dare judge me. Not until you’ve eaten chorizo everyday for 3 months. Morcilla-de-burgos-2.jpg

Take a little guess at what this delicacy is.

3. Laundry. Like most European countries, the Spanish don’t necessarily use dryers, so our clothes are set out on racks or other things to dry. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind this at all, except when I do. After living in New York for several year and having to pay for my laundry I’ve learned to stretch things pretty far. This means doing laundry about once a month, so when I need clothes I need them like, yesterday. I don’t have time to wait 2 days for my underwear to dry Ineedthemlikenow. Another fun fact, because clothes aren’t always dried in a dryer they can get a little crispy so they like to use something I refer to as suavizante aka fabric softener aka natures perfume. Unlike the fabric softener of the States this shit reeks, it gets into every pore, invades every strand of clothing you own every hair on your body. It’s strong. Don’t want to use suavizante? Fine, enjoy your crispy pants! Let me know how it feels like have paper cuts on your legs 😀

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Can’t live without it.

4. El Rollo. The culture of going out here is totally different than in America. We like shots, large glasses of wine, and to party. However, the idea here is completely different. If you try to drink 3 glasses of wine here like you do in America let me tell you, you will in fact regret it. Not only is the wine 3948903 stronger here but people will think you actually have a drinking problem. No one here drinks to get drunk, but rather to enjoy themselves. Hence why they stay out until the sun rises versus until they pass out.  American’s take note. Also la marcha doesn’t end when you’re 30, 40 or even 50. Kids at the bar? no problem, staying out until sunrise at 40? totally acceptable, drinking everyday during descanso, lunch and dinner? maybe not so much, but I’m willing to take one for the team and give it a try.

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Painfully thirsty

5. Time. Now I feel like this should’ve been first but this is what I’ve had the most trouble with (living in New York and all) I’m usually always in a rush. But here no pasa nada. People don’t rush, lunch takes 2-3 hours (yes please) dinner the same, and going out to eat at a restaurant? don’t even attempt it if you’re in a rush. It’s just not worth it. I wake up as late as possible, grab breakfast to go (another thing they don’t get). Stuff my face during descanso and lunch (we don’t eat dinner until 9:30 most days) and siesta. That’s fucking right, I siesta every.single.day. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to stop. It’s honestly something we should bring back to the U.S. I feel better, I treat everyone around me better. Todo esta bien.

That being said, I love Spain, the people, the food, the lifestyle everything, BUT I also am super homesick, miss American food and most of all I miss butter.

Coming home for the Holidays…

Why does everyone always talk about hating coming home for the holidays? I’ve struggled with this question for years and never really discovered my personal reasons for it until now. Before I go into a complete family history let me clarify what I mean by home. I definitely don’t mean my parents’ house, because that is something I absolutely adore.  Sleeping in my old bed, playing with my dog, having my mom cook all my favorite foods. Home for me means Alachua, Florida. It means coming down to spend time with all my extended family, aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles, cousins baby mommas and all. That is something I dread.

Do I get the typical “why are you still single questions?” of course I do – and as someone who was recently fucked over by the fuckboi supreme of all fuckboys trust me I’m constantly dodging certain family members just so I can avoid all man discussions. For me it’s not what’s said but what’s unsaid that bothers me. My family is one of those “we were raised going to church 4 out of the 7 days of the week families, and not just normal church but that deep south type of church families” and two generations later it still shows. Sex before marriage, drinking, dancing, cursing, drug use of any kind, gay marriage, abortions you name it it’s off topic. But the one thing my family likes to do that particularly bothers me is the a la carte approach they like to take on when it comes to these religious beliefs and values.

Let me explain – As someone who is a single lady of the New York streets, I enjoy a good time and I can with 100% certainty say that my family would not approve of over 90% of the things that I do in my free time – drinking, men, my dress, my language, it would all be frowned upon and is not to be discussed or bought up around these family members. However deplorable they might think my behavior might be it has nothing on what some of my cousins do. Multiple children out of wedlock, absentee fathers and mothers, abuse, neglect (I can go on) these are things that are not only running rampant in my family but dare I say accepted?

 

Drinking around my family? – a huge no

Bringing around your 3 kids and multiple baby mommas? – yes of course!

Wearing a skirt above my knees – I would never hear the end of my grandmothers ranting

Two children living with her that have basically been abandoned by their mother – Not a single eyelash is batted.

 

The fact that I can be openly shamed for drinking and cursing around my family while there is a myriad of abuse and neglect victims sitting around the table that we won’t dare speak about is absurd to me because on holds no flame to the other. Me having a glass of wine with my Thanksgiving dinner vs. my cousin sitting next to me who doesn’t acknowledge or take care of his 3 kids out of wedlock are not even comparable.

The fact that we hold one so highly above the other is something that drives me crazy. Granted not everyone wants to discuss their abuse in front of their family members and is a personal choice, but don’t you dare shake your finger at me when I decide to throw back a few shots of whiskey before dinner because it hurts my hurt to sit around the dinner table looking at my family which contains 3 generations of sexual abuse victims that we have never to this day have spoken about. It physically angers me that we treat our men and our women so different, watching all the men sit around as their wives fix their plates, or the way my uncles grill the girls in my family about their love life while their sons are chasing after their multiple children whose mothers are nowhere to be found. Don’t you dare ask me about what I can and can’t cook while you’re sitting there with your grandson who hasn’t seen his mom in years because she’s hopped up on drugs. How about instead of focusing on my is or isn’t in my cup you focus on the real issues at hand. For some prayer is the answer, for other it’s alcohol and for me it just happens to be both.

“Black Mirror” ep1

I might be a little behind on the times but I just started watching Black Mirror on Netflix and sadly I am hooked. I’m a but of a TV hoe and this is like the sweetest of all sweet spots. Contrary to what I thought, this is not a show about how social media ruins people’s lives (is that a real thing?). But anyway – let’s dig right into episode 1 – the one where the world is run by social media and perception aka present day America.

So we start off with our main character – let’s just call her Jessica, and Jessica is a real basic bitch.

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But with a little bit of a shy side

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So the episode opens up with her running and this bitch is on her fucking fun, swiping left, swiping right, up, down and all around. Like hello can you pay attention to the road please?

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So she finally takes a break and we see she’s rating people non-stop, so I’m like ok, maybe she’s looking for a hot date. Whatever. Next scene, she’s still on her phone, swiping again, cut again to some bakery and EVERYONE IS ON THEIR PHONE, swipe, swipe, swipe. Very confused at this point.

Finally Jessica sits down and starts to eat her breakfast, but not before she takes another damn photo.

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and we see that she’s updating it to her profile and waiting for people to star it, so her rating can go up or down. Then she looks up and we finally see that everyone has a little rating next to their face and with each interaction you rate someone 1-5 stars and with each rating your score goes up or down.

So Jessica – clearly is trying to get more points with each interaction – boost her score and therefore become more likeable.

WOW DOESN’T THIS SOUND LIKE SOME REAL WORLD SHIT. Already this show is amazing.

So she goes to work – at this weird ass place and one of her co-workers comes in looking frazzled AF.

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He has a tray full of smoothies and is trying to win back everyone’s hearts after a bad break-up with his BF, where clearly everyone took the BF’s side.

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We find out through some whispers that if his score goes below like a 2.8 he won’t be able to get into the building or something. So now we see, the stakes are HIGH in this game we call life.

Back at home things with Jessica are rough – she lives with her brother who is like a 3.7 (while Jessica is a 4.2) and she’s trying to get into this super cool housing program where you need at least a 4.5 or higher to be accepted.

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All very confusing. Anyways – Jessica is like on a mission to make sure people like her and meets with some numbers advisor so see what will make people like her. “be genuine” he says.

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“Ok”

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So she continues to be the fuck hoe that she is and sucks up to every person she see’s, yet in a moment of weakness she decides to post a photo of this ugly ass stuffed animal she keeps on her desk.

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So she uploads this monstrosity and this random girl Lauren Nicole or whatever likes it and she’s super pumped. Next scene she’s cooking some weird eggplant looking stuff and Lauren facetimes her.

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SO it turns out that Lauren is like a 4.5 or something and that they used to be friends and now Lauren wants Jessica to be her maid of honor, even though they haven’t spoken in like forever and her brother is like ‘yo jessica are you for real?, you’re gonna fly to this tiny ass island and be her maid of honor even though she was a big fat bitch to you?’ and Jessice ala Lacey (I just remembered her name) is like yup.

byeeeeeee.

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So the day comes when its time for her to leave and this is where things start to go down for Lacey and the beginning on her great descent.

  • Her little score point thing starts to go down because she
    • bitches out a TSA employee
    • run’s into a 4.8 and causes her to spill her drink
    • misses her first taxi
    • chats like a whiny bitch on the phone the whole 2nd taxi ride

SO now she has to rent a car and drive 9 hours to the island in a shit ass car because her score is so low.

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So she’s driving but this car is old as fuck and she doesn’t get very far, the car gives out and she has to hitchhike. BUT because her score is now like a 2.3 or whatever no one will help her. Until we meet, Olga (not sure if that’s her real name)

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and her score is literally like a 1.2 and Lacey is like

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Please don’t kill me but ok. So they’re driving along and Olga is telling her about how she used to be a 4.7 then her husband got sick and she basically lost her mind (and her score) and how Lacey should just fuck the man, and Lacey’s like.

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So finally Olga’s like ‘ok I’m going this way so you gotta go, but good luck at the wedding’. So Lacey is getting ready to arrive at the wedding and Lauren calls her and is like ‘sorry your score is too low to speak at my wedding, I only wanted you because a low 4 was good for my image blah blah’ and Lacey is like.

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I will show up at you wedding anyway. And that’s just what she does. Only instead of looking like this.

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She looked like this

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And those high 4’s were not impressed.

She proceeds to give a very truthful speech about how Lauren is basically a fuck hoe, who always puts her friends down etc. etc. THEN when Lauren’s husband tries to stop her she threatens to stab everyone.

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At this point the police are called, Lacey is thrown in jail and she is finally without her phone thing.

 

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So now she’s locked up in jail and starts stripping.

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Then this guys across the way starts yelling at her and they get into a weird yelling match, but they realize they can say whatever they want and not worry about getting rated.

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It’s all very liberating and telling of the times and just a great episode/show overall and very telling of our society as a whole.

The End.