Review: The Irish Whiskey Museum

Review: The Irish Whiskey Museum

In honor of my upcoming weekend I’d like to post a little ode to the Irish Whiskey Museum. Hopefully I haven’t done this already, but anyways here it goes.

The Irish Whiskey Museum is located in Dublin, Ireland probably 10 steps 10 minutes from the Dublin Castle. Anyone that’s been out drinking with me in the past 2-3 years knows that my drink of choice is a whiskey ginger (now I prefer bourbon but who’s keeping track) so when I first realized that going to Ireland for a visit was possible (and extremely affordable, thank you Ryanair) the top travel destination on my list was for sure this glorious museum. Now I’m also a huge fan of castles (shout out to Romania for blowing my mind) so when we went to the Dublin Castle and learned it would be an hour and and a half wait until we could enter the castle we logically decided to hit up the museum in the meantime. You’ll definitely have to forgive me on my lack of details on this post because I can’t remember much about the museum except for the fact that we got a flight of whiskey when we were done.

Here’s a complete list of things I do for sure remember

  1. The Whiskey was FRESH AF
  2. It was around 12 noon when we entered and we had not eaten breakfast
  3. Our tour guide was Irish (duh) didn’t catch half of what he said
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  5. They had a room full of like all the whiskey bottles ever created, it was awesome
  6. There was a really weird section where they re-enacted the 4 whiskey powerhouses
  7. Like it was weird holograms of them and they were fighting with each other
  8. Don’t ask me who they are
  9. Actually I remember Tullamore Dew
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  11. Here are the whiskey’s (after I drank one two)
  12. I stole a glass but don’t know where I put it
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  14. This is us after we forced ourselves behind the bar to take photos with our guide
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  16. This is the meal we ate after we left
  17. I don’t remember any of the Dublin Castle

Thanks Ireland! I love you.

Segovia, Spain

Segovia, Spain

Segovia is a picturesque (sorry I hate that word) town in the NWestern part of Spain, aka it’s about 20 degrees colder than where I live. Besides the fact that is was cold as shit (maybe 50’s so not even really that bad) it was beautiful. It was a roman (I think) town so picture cobblestone streets, yellowish brick and lots of monuments. It takes about a day or two to see everything so no need to spend too much time here you can walk the entire town in about a day. Also if you go you have to try cochinillo or as my host family explained to me – a baby pig who has not yet left it’s mothers teta…pleasant. I know.

Here, is Segovia

Cathedral!!

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Aqueduct! It’s seriously so large

 

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A really creepy pig-wolf statue with babies

 

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Snow White’s Castle

Castle from all angles. It’s really impressive

 

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Cambios, Spain vs. America

Cambios, Spain vs. America

This afternoon my host dad (Jorge) asked me – Lindsey, what are the differences between Spain and America. I’ve had some time to think about this as this is my second go round in Espana (what can I say I love the Spanish)

The truth is there are waaaaay too many to count, but in an attempt to humor him and myself for that matter I decided to compile a short, but I think very accurate list.

  1. Structure. I grew up in a household where fast food was food group and the car was my kitchen. It didn’t matter where we were, what time it was or what the food was. We ate when we wanted, where we wanted and what we wanted. Here is a little different.

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Pasta for dinner? No. Hamburgers for lunch? don’t even ask. Dinner at 6? you must be joking. The structure is intense. Soups, rice and pasta are to had for lunch. Burgers and salads for dinner. For snack (aka America’s lunchtime) fruit. I eat a small sandwich and still get weird looks from the teachers. One time I dared to bring pasta and it seemed like the pueblo was going to implode.

I. cant. stand. it.

For a fully grown lady (I say that only because I pay all my own bills, but by no means am I an adult) it’s extremely frustrating. If I want pizza for breakfast lemme have it, pasta at noon, take a chill pill, pero bueno. I digress.

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The only good burger in all of Spain

Also what’s with always setting the table? I literally say down to eat solo style and the mesa was set to a tea, bread, water, glasses, forks and knives. It’s just not necessary and seems like a waste of energy.

2. The Food. Now I know a lot of people say “Omg Lindsey the food in Spain is so good!”. To which I respond, what do you think Spanish food is? Paella? yes, for special occasions – Birthdays, Holidays, and the occasionally visitor – so we’re talking 3-4 times a year. What else you got? Tapas? Ok good, so exactly what do you think is on your tapas? If you guess sardines, sausages, boiled eggs, octopus, morcilla (google it) and tuna, then you are in fact correct. They are, how do I say this gently, not all their cracked up to be. And just like with any other food, if you eat it everyday without change you will get sick of it. But Lindsey, what about the olive oil? Yes they do cook with a lot of olive oil, but not in a good way, my fish, hamburgers, vegetables and everything else is literally boiled in olive oil and let me tell you that shit is not pleasant. Unlike the grease in America that be blot of or that dries, olive oil does not, it pools into your plate, on the crevasses of your meat and especially in your skin. Greasy much? thank you, yes I am.  Like really? Me muero.

My friends and I regularly sit down at our dinner tables only to find that our main course for the night is a plate of sausages, pig lips, a bowl of broccoli and other creations. Let me just tell you right now, that when I talk to you and I saw I miss American food don’t you dare judge me. Not until you’ve eaten chorizo everyday for 3 months. Morcilla-de-burgos-2.jpg

Take a little guess at what this delicacy is.

3. Laundry. Like most European countries, the Spanish don’t necessarily use dryers, so our clothes are set out on racks or other things to dry. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind this at all, except when I do. After living in New York for several year and having to pay for my laundry I’ve learned to stretch things pretty far. This means doing laundry about once a month, so when I need clothes I need them like, yesterday. I don’t have time to wait 2 days for my underwear to dry Ineedthemlikenow. Another fun fact, because clothes aren’t always dried in a dryer they can get a little crispy so they like to use something I refer to as suavizante aka fabric softener aka natures perfume. Unlike the fabric softener of the States this shit reeks, it gets into every pore, invades every strand of clothing you own every hair on your body. It’s strong. Don’t want to use suavizante? Fine, enjoy your crispy pants! Let me know how it feels like have paper cuts on your legs 😀

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Can’t live without it.

4. El Rollo. The culture of going out here is totally different than in America. We like shots, large glasses of wine, and to party. However, the idea here is completely different. If you try to drink 3 glasses of wine here like you do in America let me tell you, you will in fact regret it. Not only is the wine 3948903 stronger here but people will think you actually have a drinking problem. No one here drinks to get drunk, but rather to enjoy themselves. Hence why they stay out until the sun rises versus until they pass out.  American’s take note. Also la marcha doesn’t end when you’re 30, 40 or even 50. Kids at the bar? no problem, staying out until sunrise at 40? totally acceptable, drinking everyday during descanso, lunch and dinner? maybe not so much, but I’m willing to take one for the team and give it a try.

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Painfully thirsty

5. Time. Now I feel like this should’ve been first but this is what I’ve had the most trouble with (living in New York and all) I’m usually always in a rush. But here no pasa nada. People don’t rush, lunch takes 2-3 hours (yes please) dinner the same, and going out to eat at a restaurant? don’t even attempt it if you’re in a rush. It’s just not worth it. I wake up as late as possible, grab breakfast to go (another thing they don’t get). Stuff my face during descanso and lunch (we don’t eat dinner until 9:30 most days) and siesta. That’s fucking right, I siesta every.single.day. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to stop. It’s honestly something we should bring back to the U.S. I feel better, I treat everyone around me better. Todo esta bien.

That being said, I love Spain, the people, the food, the lifestyle everything, BUT I also am super homesick, miss American food and most of all I miss butter.

Coming home for the Holidays…

Coming home for the Holidays…

Why does everyone always talk about hating coming home for the holidays? I’ve struggled with this question for years and never really discovered my personal reasons for it until now. Before I go into a complete family history let me clarify what I mean by home. I definitely don’t mean my parents’ house, because that is something I absolutely adore.  Sleeping in my old bed, playing with my dog, having my mom cook all my favorite foods. Home for me means Alachua, Florida. It means coming down to spend time with all my extended family, aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles, cousins baby mommas and all. That is something I dread.

Do I get the typical “why are you still single questions?” of course I do – and as someone who was recently fucked over by the fuckboi supreme of all fuckboys trust me I’m constantly dodging certain family members just so I can avoid all man discussions. For me it’s not what’s said but what’s unsaid that bothers me. My family is one of those “we were raised going to church 4 out of the 7 days of the week families, and not just normal church but that deep south type of church families” and two generations later it still shows. Sex before marriage, drinking, dancing, cursing, drug use of any kind, gay marriage, abortions you name it it’s off topic. But the one thing my family likes to do that particularly bothers me is the a la carte approach they like to take on when it comes to these religious beliefs and values.

Let me explain – As someone who is a single lady of the New York streets, I enjoy a good time and I can with 100% certainty say that my family would not approve of over 90% of the things that I do in my free time – drinking, men, my dress, my language, it would all be frowned upon and is not to be discussed or bought up around these family members. However deplorable they might think my behavior might be it has nothing on what some of my cousins do. Multiple children out of wedlock, absentee fathers and mothers, abuse, neglect (I can go on) these are things that are not only running rampant in my family but dare I say accepted?

 

Drinking around my family? – a huge no

Bringing around your 3 kids and multiple baby mommas? – yes of course!

Wearing a skirt above my knees – I would never hear the end of my grandmothers ranting

Two children living with her that have basically been abandoned by their mother – Not a single eyelash is batted.

 

The fact that I can be openly shamed for drinking and cursing around my family while there is a myriad of abuse and neglect victims sitting around the table that we won’t dare speak about is absurd to me because on holds no flame to the other. Me having a glass of wine with my Thanksgiving dinner vs. my cousin sitting next to me who doesn’t acknowledge or take care of his 3 kids out of wedlock are not even comparable.

The fact that we hold one so highly above the other is something that drives me crazy. Granted not everyone wants to discuss their abuse in front of their family members and is a personal choice, but don’t you dare shake your finger at me when I decide to throw back a few shots of whiskey before dinner because it hurts my hurt to sit around the dinner table looking at my family which contains 3 generations of sexual abuse victims that we have never to this day have spoken about. It physically angers me that we treat our men and our women so different, watching all the men sit around as their wives fix their plates, or the way my uncles grill the girls in my family about their love life while their sons are chasing after their multiple children whose mothers are nowhere to be found. Don’t you dare ask me about what I can and can’t cook while you’re sitting there with your grandson who hasn’t seen his mom in years because she’s hopped up on drugs. How about instead of focusing on my is or isn’t in my cup you focus on the real issues at hand. For some prayer is the answer, for other it’s alcohol and for me it just happens to be both.

“Black Mirror” ep1

“Black Mirror” ep1

I might be a little behind on the times but I just started watching Black Mirror on Netflix and sadly I am hooked. I’m a but of a TV hoe and this is like the sweetest of all sweet spots. Contrary to what I thought, this is not a show about how social media ruins people’s lives (is that a real thing?). But anyway – let’s dig right into episode 1 – the one where the world is run by social media and perception aka present day America.

So we start off with our main character – let’s just call her Jessica, and Jessica is a real basic bitch.

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But with a little bit of a shy side

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So the episode opens up with her running and this bitch is on her fucking fun, swiping left, swiping right, up, down and all around. Like hello can you pay attention to the road please?

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So she finally takes a break and we see she’s rating people non-stop, so I’m like ok, maybe she’s looking for a hot date. Whatever. Next scene, she’s still on her phone, swiping again, cut again to some bakery and EVERYONE IS ON THEIR PHONE, swipe, swipe, swipe. Very confused at this point.

Finally Jessica sits down and starts to eat her breakfast, but not before she takes another damn photo.

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and we see that she’s updating it to her profile and waiting for people to star it, so her rating can go up or down. Then she looks up and we finally see that everyone has a little rating next to their face and with each interaction you rate someone 1-5 stars and with each rating your score goes up or down.

So Jessica – clearly is trying to get more points with each interaction – boost her score and therefore become more likeable.

WOW DOESN’T THIS SOUND LIKE SOME REAL WORLD SHIT. Already this show is amazing.

So she goes to work – at this weird ass place and one of her co-workers comes in looking frazzled AF.

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He has a tray full of smoothies and is trying to win back everyone’s hearts after a bad break-up with his BF, where clearly everyone took the BF’s side.

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We find out through some whispers that if his score goes below like a 2.8 he won’t be able to get into the building or something. So now we see, the stakes are HIGH in this game we call life.

Back at home things with Jessica are rough – she lives with her brother who is like a 3.7 (while Jessica is a 4.2) and she’s trying to get into this super cool housing program where you need at least a 4.5 or higher to be accepted.

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All very confusing. Anyways – Jessica is like on a mission to make sure people like her and meets with some numbers advisor so see what will make people like her. “be genuine” he says.

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“Ok”

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So she continues to be the fuck hoe that she is and sucks up to every person she see’s, yet in a moment of weakness she decides to post a photo of this ugly ass stuffed animal she keeps on her desk.

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So she uploads this monstrosity and this random girl Lauren Nicole or whatever likes it and she’s super pumped. Next scene she’s cooking some weird eggplant looking stuff and Lauren facetimes her.

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SO it turns out that Lauren is like a 4.5 or something and that they used to be friends and now Lauren wants Jessica to be her maid of honor, even though they haven’t spoken in like forever and her brother is like ‘yo jessica are you for real?, you’re gonna fly to this tiny ass island and be her maid of honor even though she was a big fat bitch to you?’ and Jessice ala Lacey (I just remembered her name) is like yup.

byeeeeeee.

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So the day comes when its time for her to leave and this is where things start to go down for Lacey and the beginning on her great descent.

  • Her little score point thing starts to go down because she
    • bitches out a TSA employee
    • run’s into a 4.8 and causes her to spill her drink
    • misses her first taxi
    • chats like a whiny bitch on the phone the whole 2nd taxi ride

SO now she has to rent a car and drive 9 hours to the island in a shit ass car because her score is so low.

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So she’s driving but this car is old as fuck and she doesn’t get very far, the car gives out and she has to hitchhike. BUT because her score is now like a 2.3 or whatever no one will help her. Until we meet, Olga (not sure if that’s her real name)

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and her score is literally like a 1.2 and Lacey is like

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Please don’t kill me but ok. So they’re driving along and Olga is telling her about how she used to be a 4.7 then her husband got sick and she basically lost her mind (and her score) and how Lacey should just fuck the man, and Lacey’s like.

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So finally Olga’s like ‘ok I’m going this way so you gotta go, but good luck at the wedding’. So Lacey is getting ready to arrive at the wedding and Lauren calls her and is like ‘sorry your score is too low to speak at my wedding, I only wanted you because a low 4 was good for my image blah blah’ and Lacey is like.

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I will show up at you wedding anyway. And that’s just what she does. Only instead of looking like this.

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She looked like this

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And those high 4’s were not impressed.

She proceeds to give a very truthful speech about how Lauren is basically a fuck hoe, who always puts her friends down etc. etc. THEN when Lauren’s husband tries to stop her she threatens to stab everyone.

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At this point the police are called, Lacey is thrown in jail and she is finally without her phone thing.

 

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So now she’s locked up in jail and starts stripping.

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Then this guys across the way starts yelling at her and they get into a weird yelling match, but they realize they can say whatever they want and not worry about getting rated.

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It’s all very liberating and telling of the times and just a great episode/show overall and very telling of our society as a whole.

The End.

Review: Girl on the Train

Review: Girl on the Train

Warning: Spoilers ahead

 

So the other day I went to see Girl on the Train, starring Emily Blunt, 2 blond girls and 3 dark haired guys

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side note: there were no black people in the film.

Anyways the movie starts out and Emily Blunt is a MESS.

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She’s drinking everyday on the train.

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Like everyday.

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Like one scene this women comes to sit down next to her and she tries to be like ‘omg your baby is so cute can I touch him’

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and the mom is like yo, you are WASTED at like 2:30pm no.

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So we see this for a little bit, then we realize that not only is Emily a hot ass mess but she’s also a bit of a peeping Tom. She stares at this one super hot average couple like everyday.

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She’s like obsessed with them and watches them all the time and is like “wow they have a love that like everyone wants blah blah”, they’re perfect and amazing, but of course they’re actually not, she’s seeing a therapist because apparently her husband is crazay and controlling etc.

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Another sidenote, if any of you have ever ridden on those Metro North trains you can hardly see into people’s homes,unless it’s going super slow. So I’d just like to point that out.

 

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Anyways.

We also find out that Emily is particularly fascinated with these amazing couple because they live right down the street from her ex and his new hoe, who we will call blond girl #1

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Now shit gets real,  Emily is a fucking mess because her husband cheated on her with blond girl #1 and moved her into the house and it drove Emily to drink and be fucking insane.

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So now things start to make sense, she rides the train to the city everyday to pass by her old house where her old boo and new boo thang are together and to stare at the new young hot couple that she wishes was her.

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Got it?

So one day Emily is being her usual peeping tom self on the train

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and she see’s something that sets her the fuck off, it’s blond girl #2 with someone who is NOT her man.

She fucking loses it and like almost gets off the train, but decides against it I think, but nevertheless is like really fucking upset.

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So she gets to the city, or wherever and is like lets. fucking. party. and proceeds to get wasted with her friends.

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Like she is hammertime.

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So she gets back on the train, and is quickly approaching the stop where both blonde girl #1 and #2 live AND SHE GETS OFF.

THIS CRAZY WOMEN LITERALLY GETS OFF THE TRAIN AND STARTS WALKING TOWARDS THE HOUSES.

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At one point she thinks she see’s blonde girl #1 who’s now married to her ex and FOLLOWS HER UNDER A BRIDGE, and of course like any good movie, the screen goes to a blackout.

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and everyone in the theater (or at least me, because I didn’t read the book) is like.

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What. is. happening.

So the next day or whatever, Emily wakes up in her room and she is like a disaster. Like I know I said she was a mess before but this bitch is on a whole new level of fucked-upness.

She’s bruised, barf in her hair, blood, clothes tattered, eyes bloodshot, like not even if your worst blackout have you woken up looking like this.

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So she’s like oh sweet baby Jesus wtf did I do.

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So at this point I think she tries to give up drinking? I can’t exactly remember, you know how the middles of these movies get a little fuzzy but I do know for a fact several things happen.

  1. she starts going to AA
  2. We find out she just rides the train back and forth, and doesn’t actually have a real job
  3. Her roommate tells her she has to leave
  4. She randomly tries to steal blonde girl #1’s baby
  5. Blonde girl #2 is found missing, then dead
  6. Turns out blond girl #2 was having an affair with her therapist

So we start getting into a bit of the story and we see flash backs of Emily’s marriage with her old boo and it’s not good. They try to get pregnant (which btw I hate that phrase, it was just her trying to get pregnant, it’s not like he’s carrying the child) so she’s trying to get pregnant and she can’t so it kind of leads her to drink and she becomes a slopfest galore and we also get flashbacks of blond girl #2 with her therapist and see how she like slowly seduces him and it’s all very sad.

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So at this point the police have questioned Emily and her roommate is like you are actually worse than I thought and you MUST leave now – so logically Emily goes to the dead blonde girls husband and is like “hey I used to be your wives friend, she was having an affair with someone, I saw it from the train (red flag) I think I can help, and like the dumbass he is, the husband is like yea, sure whatever, COOL.

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Fucking idiot. because clearly Emily was never friends with your wife and also does not have a job.

So they kind of become friends and she starts hanging around his house AND let me also add that this whole time Emily is obsessively calling her ex husband, like 27 times a day, calling the house, the whole nine yards. Ok back to present so yes, Emily starts hanging with the dead girls husband and one day he eventually finds out that she’s basically cray and was seen getting off the train in the same area as where his wife was found dead.

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That’s right bitches, the blackout that we didn’t see was actually Emily seeing a blonde girl, and running after her, then blacking out. A mere 20 mins later blonde girl #2 was found dead in the woods. So now Emily is like

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But she can’t remember because she’s in a constant state of drunkenness. So in a strange twist she starts going to the therapist that blonde girl #2 was having an affair with (because why not?) and stops drinking and slowly starts to get her shit together. So one day she’s taking the train home and runs into her ex’s old boss and she’s like ‘Hey girl, I’m so sorry about ruining your party that one time” and the boss is like listen hoe, ain’t no thang your husband was a fuckboi supreme, we’re so glad you gt rid of him especially since he was fucking everything that walked’

AND THEN SINCE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE FOREVER SINCE SHE’S SOBER EMILY REALIZES HER HUSBAND WAS DOING THE ABSOLUTE MOST.

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She’s like holy shit – that time when I thought I came after him with a golf club, it was HIM

That time when I got drunk at the bosses holiday party and thought I ruined everything, it was HIM

He twisted all me memories and made me think I was having a 2007 Britney Spears meltdown but in fact it was him that was le worst.

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It’s about to be on and poppin.

MEANWHILE back in sweet town USA, Blond girl #1 who is now married to Emily’s ex is doing what all side pieces turned main pieces do….snooping.

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So she finds a burner phone in his bag which is like dead giveaway #1 that you’re creeping while she’s sleeping and she goes to check the messages AND LO AND MOTHERFUCKING BEHOLD THE VOICEMAIL BOX BELONGS TO DEAD BLONDE GIRL #2.

Now if you’re like me at this point you are confused AF. so I’ll break it down for youScreen Shot 2016-10-20 at 3.09.02 PM.png

Emily’s ex was having an affair first with blonde girl #1 and now with blonde girl #2 – blonde girl #2 is dead, why else would the ex have a dead girls phone? oh that’s right. Because he killed her.

Now this review has already gone on long enough so let me wrap it up, in the following order here’s what happens next.

  1. At the same time that blonde girl #1 realizes her husband killed blonde #2 so does Emily
  2. Emily (after coming to the realization that her husband is an abusive psychopath) tries to come and warn #1 about the abuse
  3. We get a flashback that confirms that the ex did in fact kill #2 because she was pregnant with his baby and he doesn’t want it.
  4. Emily comes to the house to warn #1 about her husbands shitty ways
  5. The ex knocks the shit out of Emily and tries to kill her
  6. Emily ends up killing the husband while #1 watches
  7. Big fucking sigh of relief.

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And that ladies and gentlemen is Girl on the Train.