Review: Girl on the Train

Warning: Spoilers ahead

 

So the other day I went to see Girl on the Train, starring Emily Blunt, 2 blond girls and 3 dark haired guys

group-of-friends.jpg

side note: there were no black people in the film.

Anyways the movie starts out and Emily Blunt is a MESS.

mistake6.png

She’s drinking everyday on the train.

benched.jpg

Like everyday.

XHSt0XN.gif

Like one scene this women comes to sit down next to her and she tries to be like ‘omg your baby is so cute can I touch him’

Image result for sloppy girl

and the mom is like yo, you are WASTED at like 2:30pm no.

Image result for concerned mom

So we see this for a little bit, then we realize that not only is Emily a hot ass mess but she’s also a bit of a peeping Tom. She stares at this one super hot average couple like everyday.

Image result for peeping tom

She’s like obsessed with them and watches them all the time and is like “wow they have a love that like everyone wants blah blah”, they’re perfect and amazing, but of course they’re actually not, she’s seeing a therapist because apparently her husband is crazay and controlling etc.

Image result for someone on a therapists couch

Another sidenote, if any of you have ever ridden on those Metro North trains you can hardly see into people’s homes,unless it’s going super slow. So I’d just like to point that out.

 

Image result for question marks

 

Anyways.

We also find out that Emily is particularly fascinated with these amazing couple because they live right down the street from her ex and his new hoe, who we will call blond girl #1

Image result for blonde girl whipping her hair gif

Now shit gets real,  Emily is a fucking mess because her husband cheated on her with blond girl #1 and moved her into the house and it drove Emily to drink and be fucking insane.

Image result for crazed person

So now things start to make sense, she rides the train to the city everyday to pass by her old house where her old boo and new boo thang are together and to stare at the new young hot couple that she wishes was her.

Image result for arrows going in different directions

Got it?

So one day Emily is being her usual peeping tom self on the train

Image result for peeping tom

and she see’s something that sets her the fuck off, it’s blond girl #2 with someone who is NOT her man.

She fucking loses it and like almost gets off the train, but decides against it I think, but nevertheless is like really fucking upset.

Image result for rage gif

So she gets to the city, or wherever and is like lets. fucking. party. and proceeds to get wasted with her friends.

Image result for partying gif

Like she is hammertime.

Image result for mc hammer gif

So she gets back on the train, and is quickly approaching the stop where both blonde girl #1 and #2 live AND SHE GETS OFF.

THIS CRAZY WOMEN LITERALLY GETS OFF THE TRAIN AND STARTS WALKING TOWARDS THE HOUSES.

Image result for red alert

At one point she thinks she see’s blonde girl #1 who’s now married to her ex and FOLLOWS HER UNDER A BRIDGE, and of course like any good movie, the screen goes to a blackout.

Image result for shocked child

and everyone in the theater (or at least me, because I didn’t read the book) is like.

Image result for shocked child

What. is. happening.

So the next day or whatever, Emily wakes up in her room and she is like a disaster. Like I know I said she was a mess before but this bitch is on a whole new level of fucked-upness.

She’s bruised, barf in her hair, blood, clothes tattered, eyes bloodshot, like not even if your worst blackout have you woken up looking like this.

drunk-barbie

So she’s like oh sweet baby Jesus wtf did I do.

index

So at this point I think she tries to give up drinking? I can’t exactly remember, you know how the middles of these movies get a little fuzzy but I do know for a fact several things happen.

  1. she starts going to AA
  2. We find out she just rides the train back and forth, and doesn’t actually have a real job
  3. Her roommate tells her she has to leave
  4. She randomly tries to steal blonde girl #1’s baby
  5. Blonde girl #2 is found missing, then dead
  6. Turns out blond girl #2 was having an affair with her therapist

So we start getting into a bit of the story and we see flash backs of Emily’s marriage with her old boo and it’s not good. They try to get pregnant (which btw I hate that phrase, it was just her trying to get pregnant, it’s not like he’s carrying the child) so she’s trying to get pregnant and she can’t so it kind of leads her to drink and she becomes a slopfest galore and we also get flashbacks of blond girl #2 with her therapist and see how she like slowly seduces him and it’s all very sad.

Image result for sad animal

So at this point the police have questioned Emily and her roommate is like you are actually worse than I thought and you MUST leave now – so logically Emily goes to the dead blonde girls husband and is like “hey I used to be your wives friend, she was having an affair with someone, I saw it from the train (red flag) I think I can help, and like the dumbass he is, the husband is like yea, sure whatever, COOL.

Image result for sad animal

Fucking idiot. because clearly Emily was never friends with your wife and also does not have a job.

So they kind of become friends and she starts hanging around his house AND let me also add that this whole time Emily is obsessively calling her ex husband, like 27 times a day, calling the house, the whole nine yards. Ok back to present so yes, Emily starts hanging with the dead girls husband and one day he eventually finds out that she’s basically cray and was seen getting off the train in the same area as where his wife was found dead.

screen-shot-2016-10-20-at-2-38-20-pm

That’s right bitches, the blackout that we didn’t see was actually Emily seeing a blonde girl, and running after her, then blacking out. A mere 20 mins later blonde girl #2 was found dead in the woods. So now Emily is like

Image result for surprised animal  Was that me?

But she can’t remember because she’s in a constant state of drunkenness. So in a strange twist she starts going to the therapist that blonde girl #2 was having an affair with (because why not?) and stops drinking and slowly starts to get her shit together. So one day she’s taking the train home and runs into her ex’s old boss and she’s like ‘Hey girl, I’m so sorry about ruining your party that one time” and the boss is like listen hoe, ain’t no thang your husband was a fuckboi supreme, we’re so glad you gt rid of him especially since he was fucking everything that walked’

AND THEN SINCE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE FOREVER SINCE SHE’S SOBER EMILY REALIZES HER HUSBAND WAS DOING THE ABSOLUTE MOST.

Image result for surprised animal gif

She’s like holy shit – that time when I thought I came after him with a golf club, it was HIM

That time when I got drunk at the bosses holiday party and thought I ruined everything, it was HIM

He twisted all me memories and made me think I was having a 2007 Britney Spears meltdown but in fact it was him that was le worst.

screen-shot-2016-10-20-at-2-49-32-pm

It’s about to be on and poppin.

MEANWHILE back in sweet town USA, Blond girl #1 who is now married to Emily’s ex is doing what all side pieces turned main pieces do….snooping.

Image result for snooping gif

So she finds a burner phone in his bag which is like dead giveaway #1 that you’re creeping while she’s sleeping and she goes to check the messages AND LO AND MOTHERFUCKING BEHOLD THE VOICEMAIL BOX BELONGS TO DEAD BLONDE GIRL #2.

Now if you’re like me at this point you are confused AF. so I’ll break it down for youScreen Shot 2016-10-20 at 3.09.02 PM.png

Emily’s ex was having an affair first with blonde girl #1 and now with blonde girl #2 – blonde girl #2 is dead, why else would the ex have a dead girls phone? oh that’s right. Because he killed her.

Now this review has already gone on long enough so let me wrap it up, in the following order here’s what happens next.

  1. At the same time that blonde girl #1 realizes her husband killed blonde #2 so does Emily
  2. Emily (after coming to the realization that her husband is an abusive psychopath) tries to come and warn #1 about the abuse
  3. We get a flashback that confirms that the ex did in fact kill #2 because she was pregnant with his baby and he doesn’t want it.
  4. Emily comes to the house to warn #1 about her husbands shitty ways
  5. The ex knocks the shit out of Emily and tries to kill her
  6. Emily ends up killing the husband while #1 watches
  7. Big fucking sigh of relief.

Image result for rihanna reaction gif tumblr

 

And that ladies and gentlemen is Girl on the Train.

 

 

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Lady

Lately I’ve been hearing about and reading a lot of books on men. Act Like a Lady, Think like a man, Manology, etc. Books that help us figure out how you think. We’re not like you. you’re not like us, it’s about time you start figuring out how we think.

All these books are about how women need to understand men, and figure out how they operate, “Let them be men” don’t do this, do that etc.

What about us?

Where are the books for men?

Don’t let these talk shows and books make you think you have the problem or even are the problem.

Do you know how many times a week women turn men down? Countless. They need the help, not us.

“You need to understand how women work”. People, especially men think they know how women work. We’re emotional, we all want a good man, a breadwinner, a king of the castle and we’re hopeless. We don’t know how to get a man, keep a man and keep him happy, when we see you we start planning out wedding, calling our friends to analyze everything and freak out when we don’t get that goodnight text or call. Right, ok.

What we must remember ladies is that we sit on a gold mine. A gold mine that has started wars, gold mines that men have lost their lives over, a gold mine that gets us free drinks.

tumblr_inline_mjohr7mjHB1qz4rgp

To all you men out there, stop fighting our nature and let us be women, it’s about time that you learn to work with us, not the other way around.

We care about you in a different way that you care about us, we want to know how you feel about things. I know men don’t always like to talk about feelings, expressing themselves and we’re just supposed to accept this and move on. No, how about you suck it up and talk. If we ask you how you feel, dig into that second grade vocabulary bank you have somewhere in your head and tell us. It won’t kill you to sit down for five minutes and talk, yea it might not be in your nature to do this, but it’s also not in my nature to wake up at 7 a.m. and go to work everyday for $10/hr but I do it anyways. Deal with it.

We want you to show that you care about us. Apparently according to these relationship books you don’t think of these things, you don’t think to bring us home flowers, send a text during the day asking how we are, pick up dinner on the way home and we’re supposed to accept this and work with you. We’re supposed to bring it up ourselves and tell you what we like. Well I’m telling you now, do it. It not rocket science, do something nice for your ladyfriend, let her know you appreciate her, even if you say it over a text, it won’t kill you, it won’t take up that much time out of your day and it will make us happy. Who doesn’t want a happy women?

We’re supposed to let you be men? Well you need to let us be women and since some of you are still stuck in the 1950’s let me refresh your memory a bit.

Yes. there are girls who want to settle down, be taken care of, and are fine with being submissive. But then there are those who don’t want to be housewives, they don’t want to have dinner made for you every night when you come home, they don’t need a man to be the breadwinner of the family, they don’t want a macho man who doesn’t express his feelings, they don’t need to have a man to validate who they are, they too need to have their money and job right before they settle down, sometimes there just out to have a good time, they don’t want to be tied down, they’re not agonizing over your every move, not overly jealous and suspicious, they are not constantly husband hunting and planning your future together, and maybe just maybe some women don’t want to get married, settle down and have children.

Everyone also seems to be forgetting to mention the huge elephant in the room. Guy’s are more sensitive and clingy than they let on to. In fact, they’re out right annoying. Wanting to cuddle, hold hands, go out on dates, making it known to everyone that he just happens to be with you.

No.

Maybe you happen to be a starter man until I find someone better one, maybe I’m not that interested, or maybe I’m just lonely, so please, keep it in your pants and keep your mouth shut. When I text you at 10:30pm don’t play games with me and wait until 11:45p.m. to respond because you wanna be macho and make it seem like you don’t care. At 10:30 I happen to be free and by 11:45 I will most certainly be in my bed eating pizza. BYE.
“If he doesn’t get what he want’s he’ll find it elsewhere”. Is that so? is that why we should always be on our little tippy toes? making sure his needs are met? so he won’t step out on us. How about this, WE will go looking elsewhere is OUR needs aren’t met. I know statistics might make it seem like women cheat less than men, but do you know why those statistics are so low? Because we’re just that good, women are sneaky and we do it better than you ever could. You would never know that we’re cheating unless one of the guilty ones slip up and say something. We don’t gloat about it to all our boys, and we’re not sloppy. If we’re not getting what we want from you, whatever it may be, please believe we will find it somewhere else, and you will never even know about it.

So before you approach us with a ten foot pole remember this, we know what we’re doing, we know how to do it, and we do it better than you.
Gold mine baby, the place that dreams are made of.