Review: Cuba

Before we get into the photos (and yes there are a lot of them) let me answer a few questions.

Yes,all of the cars are like that, I maybe saw 5 that were modern

No, your cellphone will not work AT ALL

Yes, they like Americans, it’s our government they don’t like (neither do I so it’s cool)

No, you’re fine, I went with my 3 girl cousins and we walked around at night by ourselves

Yes, it’s cheap AF and the food and drinks are delicious, my whole trip was maybe $1k including flights, air bnb, food, activities, taxis (and we ate at the most expensive restaurants)

No, your credit cards will not work AT ALL

Yes, the majority of the people speak Spanish and a little bit of english but really try and know some Spanish before you go, it’ll make your whole trip easier.

No, it’s not hard to enter the country, don’t let the press fool you

Yes, they love Che and do have some issues with Castro (who doesn’t)

No, you shouldn’t judge anything about the country, place or the people until you visit, and not just visit with learn some of the history, talk to the people and really try and have an open mind if you did you might just learn something 🤔

Yes, I went with an open mind and did all of the above and my conclusion? Like always America is the worst 😂

Now for the good stuff.

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Review: Sunday Scaries

No matter how much you love your job, your life, your apartment or the dinner you ate the night before at some point in your life you will experience what we lovingly call the Sunday Scaries. This is when the weight of the weekend, the week before and just life in general begin to weigh on your shoulders and you wonder is it all worth it? Should I just cash in my money, move to Atlanta and become a stripper (not to say stripping isn’t difficult because it damn sure well is).

Now don’t get it twisted the Sunday scaries don’t come every weekend, just after a particularly fun weekend, long weekend, one where you’ve done a lot of shit things, the weather is beautiful, the weather is shitty or just randomly! The point is I had them today for the first time in as long as I can remember and it really had me fucked up. I do a lot of self care things, I eat tasty foods, paint my nails all the time, read self help books, watch all the trashy TV I want etc. so when I get down it startles the fuck out of me and I don’t know what to do.

So today I went for a walk, ate ice cream and am making this blog post to help lift my spirits. I hope none of you ever have to go through the Sunday scaries, and if you do I hope you have a laundry list of things you can do to make yourself feel better.

HAPPY SUNDAY BITCHES.

Review: Apple Support

SO I just had to write this review at the tender hour of 10:17pm on a Monday night because I was about ready to flush my iPhone down the toilet until I spoke to the lovely Brent over at Apple (also big shout out to the Scottish/Irish man who helped me on Sunday).

Long story short, I got an iPad in 2013 for Christmas (literally besides my Beats headphones this was the best gift I’d ever gotten). I  used it faithfully and merrily for 3 long and luscious years UNTIL January of 2017 when some fucker managed to hack into my iCloud account, change the primary email address and LOCK ME THE FUCK OUT. For 1 long strenuous year I was unable to use my beloved iPad and because the little ho-bag changed my security questions I couldn’t get in. But that all changed today, my sweet father (shout out to you Terry Washington) trekked his black ass up to Maryland, went to the Best Buy in Wheaton (don’t worry he was already up there for business) got my receipt and NOW after 374 long days of pain and suffering I’ve been reunited with my iPad (First World problems, I know). IN MY DEFENSE, I’ve been flying a lot lately (yes I hear how spoiled I sound with every stroke of the keys) and I just started watching this new Spanish telenovela called Velvet. Anyways, Apple Care was SO GOOD TO ME. So helpful even when I couldn’t fully explain myself, and they’re able to like remotely control your computer so that when you’re an idiot like me they can help you out faster.

The point is, I love Apple Care, fuck Android, Steve Jobs forever (only second to Wakanda)

Review: Saving money

So I’m trying to be a grown up, and put away a little money for savings, for some traveling, buying a house a new bag, a Cartier ring, normal things — but it’s hard.

Living in a city is full of temptation, I want to go to brunch, I want to buy expensive sushi for lunch, take ubers everywhere and just generally be a bougie lady but alas, I need to be a savings Susie.

It’s hard when Beyonce is coming out with concert tickets, and headlining Coachella, Revolve has a new sale every day,  and there’s a new noodle restaurant opening down the street from me but sacrifices must be made. Since the invention of credit cards (way before I was born) I’ve struggled to not justify buying something I normally can’t afford and just make little itty bitty baby payments on it every month, which is why I’ve now found myself with an amazing 4 credit cards with a combined limit of well over $100,000 (thank you American Express). Swiping that amazing piece of plastic and watching those rewards (or free money as I like to look at it) build up is a feeling that cannot be beat.

Plus, my dad always said, good credit is super important so why wouldn’t I want to keep building it up?

On a serious note, saving money and being frugal sucks, but I’m sure one day when I’ve finally purchased my home in the south of Spain and I’m wearing 5 Cartier bracelets it’ll all be worth it.

Hawaiian Adventures

I decided to go to Hawaii with my best friend for my birthday (yes Sagittarius season) best decision ever. I hate the cold weather and New York in the winter seems to have even more tourists then it does during the summer (how?). When I left it was snowing and despite the 11 hour trip (it’s brutal people – and anyone who reads this blog knows I travel) it was worth it. Here’s a few of my fav shots.

Review: The Irish Whiskey Museum

In honor of my upcoming weekend I’d like to post a little ode to the Irish Whiskey Museum. Hopefully I haven’t done this already, but anyways here it goes.

The Irish Whiskey Museum is located in Dublin, Ireland probably 10 steps 10 minutes from the Dublin Castle. Anyone that’s been out drinking with me in the past 2-3 years knows that my drink of choice is a whiskey ginger (now I prefer bourbon but who’s keeping track) so when I first realized that going to Ireland for a visit was possible (and extremely affordable, thank you Ryanair) the top travel destination on my list was for sure this glorious museum. Now I’m also a huge fan of castles (shout out to Romania for blowing my mind) so when we went to the Dublin Castle and learned it would be an hour and and a half wait until we could enter the castle we logically decided to hit up the museum in the meantime. You’ll definitely have to forgive me on my lack of details on this post because I can’t remember much about the museum except for the fact that we got a flight of whiskey when we were done.

Here’s a complete list of things I do for sure remember

  1. The Whiskey was FRESH AF
  2. It was around 12 noon when we entered and we had not eaten breakfast
  3. Our tour guide was Irish (duh) didn’t catch half of what he said
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  5. They had a room full of like all the whiskey bottles ever created, it was awesome
  6. There was a really weird section where they re-enacted the 4 whiskey powerhouses
  7. Like it was weird holograms of them and they were fighting with each other
  8. Don’t ask me who they are
  9. Actually I remember Tullamore Dew
  10. Is Johnny Walker a whiskey?IMG_4770
  11. Here are the whiskey’s (after I drank one two)
  12. I stole a glass but don’t know where I put it
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  14. This is us after we forced ourselves behind the bar to take photos with our guide
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  16. This is the meal we ate after we left
  17. I don’t remember any of the Dublin Castle

Thanks Ireland! I love you.

“Black Mirror” ep1

I might be a little behind on the times but I just started watching Black Mirror on Netflix and sadly I am hooked. I’m a but of a TV hoe and this is like the sweetest of all sweet spots. Contrary to what I thought, this is not a show about how social media ruins people’s lives (is that a real thing?). But anyway – let’s dig right into episode 1 – the one where the world is run by social media and perception aka present day America.

So we start off with our main character – let’s just call her Jessica, and Jessica is a real basic bitch.

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But with a little bit of a shy side

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So the episode opens up with her running and this bitch is on her fucking fun, swiping left, swiping right, up, down and all around. Like hello can you pay attention to the road please?

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So she finally takes a break and we see she’s rating people non-stop, so I’m like ok, maybe she’s looking for a hot date. Whatever. Next scene, she’s still on her phone, swiping again, cut again to some bakery and EVERYONE IS ON THEIR PHONE, swipe, swipe, swipe. Very confused at this point.

Finally Jessica sits down and starts to eat her breakfast, but not before she takes another damn photo.

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and we see that she’s updating it to her profile and waiting for people to star it, so her rating can go up or down. Then she looks up and we finally see that everyone has a little rating next to their face and with each interaction you rate someone 1-5 stars and with each rating your score goes up or down.

So Jessica – clearly is trying to get more points with each interaction – boost her score and therefore become more likeable.

WOW DOESN’T THIS SOUND LIKE SOME REAL WORLD SHIT. Already this show is amazing.

So she goes to work – at this weird ass place and one of her co-workers comes in looking frazzled AF.

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He has a tray full of smoothies and is trying to win back everyone’s hearts after a bad break-up with his BF, where clearly everyone took the BF’s side.

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We find out through some whispers that if his score goes below like a 2.8 he won’t be able to get into the building or something. So now we see, the stakes are HIGH in this game we call life.

Back at home things with Jessica are rough – she lives with her brother who is like a 3.7 (while Jessica is a 4.2) and she’s trying to get into this super cool housing program where you need at least a 4.5 or higher to be accepted.

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All very confusing. Anyways – Jessica is like on a mission to make sure people like her and meets with some numbers advisor so see what will make people like her. “be genuine” he says.

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“Ok”

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So she continues to be the fuck hoe that she is and sucks up to every person she see’s, yet in a moment of weakness she decides to post a photo of this ugly ass stuffed animal she keeps on her desk.

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So she uploads this monstrosity and this random girl Lauren Nicole or whatever likes it and she’s super pumped. Next scene she’s cooking some weird eggplant looking stuff and Lauren facetimes her.

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SO it turns out that Lauren is like a 4.5 or something and that they used to be friends and now Lauren wants Jessica to be her maid of honor, even though they haven’t spoken in like forever and her brother is like ‘yo jessica are you for real?, you’re gonna fly to this tiny ass island and be her maid of honor even though she was a big fat bitch to you?’ and Jessice ala Lacey (I just remembered her name) is like yup.

byeeeeeee.

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So the day comes when its time for her to leave and this is where things start to go down for Lacey and the beginning on her great descent.

  • Her little score point thing starts to go down because she
    • bitches out a TSA employee
    • run’s into a 4.8 and causes her to spill her drink
    • misses her first taxi
    • chats like a whiny bitch on the phone the whole 2nd taxi ride

SO now she has to rent a car and drive 9 hours to the island in a shit ass car because her score is so low.

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So she’s driving but this car is old as fuck and she doesn’t get very far, the car gives out and she has to hitchhike. BUT because her score is now like a 2.3 or whatever no one will help her. Until we meet, Olga (not sure if that’s her real name)

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and her score is literally like a 1.2 and Lacey is like

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Please don’t kill me but ok. So they’re driving along and Olga is telling her about how she used to be a 4.7 then her husband got sick and she basically lost her mind (and her score) and how Lacey should just fuck the man, and Lacey’s like.

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So finally Olga’s like ‘ok I’m going this way so you gotta go, but good luck at the wedding’. So Lacey is getting ready to arrive at the wedding and Lauren calls her and is like ‘sorry your score is too low to speak at my wedding, I only wanted you because a low 4 was good for my image blah blah’ and Lacey is like.

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I will show up at you wedding anyway. And that’s just what she does. Only instead of looking like this.

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She looked like this

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And those high 4’s were not impressed.

She proceeds to give a very truthful speech about how Lauren is basically a fuck hoe, who always puts her friends down etc. etc. THEN when Lauren’s husband tries to stop her she threatens to stab everyone.

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At this point the police are called, Lacey is thrown in jail and she is finally without her phone thing.

 

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So now she’s locked up in jail and starts stripping.

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Then this guys across the way starts yelling at her and they get into a weird yelling match, but they realize they can say whatever they want and not worry about getting rated.

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It’s all very liberating and telling of the times and just a great episode/show overall and very telling of our society as a whole.

The End.

Review: Girl on the Train

Warning: Spoilers ahead

 

So the other day I went to see Girl on the Train, starring Emily Blunt, 2 blond girls and 3 dark haired guys

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side note: there were no black people in the film.

Anyways the movie starts out and Emily Blunt is a MESS.

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She’s drinking everyday on the train.

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Like everyday.

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Like one scene this women comes to sit down next to her and she tries to be like ‘omg your baby is so cute can I touch him’

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and the mom is like yo, you are WASTED at like 2:30pm no.

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So we see this for a little bit, then we realize that not only is Emily a hot ass mess but she’s also a bit of a peeping Tom. She stares at this one super hot average couple like everyday.

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She’s like obsessed with them and watches them all the time and is like “wow they have a love that like everyone wants blah blah”, they’re perfect and amazing, but of course they’re actually not, she’s seeing a therapist because apparently her husband is crazay and controlling etc.

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Another sidenote, if any of you have ever ridden on those Metro North trains you can hardly see into people’s homes,unless it’s going super slow. So I’d just like to point that out.

 

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Anyways.

We also find out that Emily is particularly fascinated with these amazing couple because they live right down the street from her ex and his new hoe, who we will call blond girl #1

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Now shit gets real,  Emily is a fucking mess because her husband cheated on her with blond girl #1 and moved her into the house and it drove Emily to drink and be fucking insane.

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So now things start to make sense, she rides the train to the city everyday to pass by her old house where her old boo and new boo thang are together and to stare at the new young hot couple that she wishes was her.

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Got it?

So one day Emily is being her usual peeping tom self on the train

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and she see’s something that sets her the fuck off, it’s blond girl #2 with someone who is NOT her man.

She fucking loses it and like almost gets off the train, but decides against it I think, but nevertheless is like really fucking upset.

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So she gets to the city, or wherever and is like lets. fucking. party. and proceeds to get wasted with her friends.

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Like she is hammertime.

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So she gets back on the train, and is quickly approaching the stop where both blonde girl #1 and #2 live AND SHE GETS OFF.

THIS CRAZY WOMEN LITERALLY GETS OFF THE TRAIN AND STARTS WALKING TOWARDS THE HOUSES.

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At one point she thinks she see’s blonde girl #1 who’s now married to her ex and FOLLOWS HER UNDER A BRIDGE, and of course like any good movie, the screen goes to a blackout.

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and everyone in the theater (or at least me, because I didn’t read the book) is like.

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What. is. happening.

So the next day or whatever, Emily wakes up in her room and she is like a disaster. Like I know I said she was a mess before but this bitch is on a whole new level of fucked-upness.

She’s bruised, barf in her hair, blood, clothes tattered, eyes bloodshot, like not even if your worst blackout have you woken up looking like this.

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So she’s like oh sweet baby Jesus wtf did I do.

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So at this point I think she tries to give up drinking? I can’t exactly remember, you know how the middles of these movies get a little fuzzy but I do know for a fact several things happen.

  1. she starts going to AA
  2. We find out she just rides the train back and forth, and doesn’t actually have a real job
  3. Her roommate tells her she has to leave
  4. She randomly tries to steal blonde girl #1’s baby
  5. Blonde girl #2 is found missing, then dead
  6. Turns out blond girl #2 was having an affair with her therapist

So we start getting into a bit of the story and we see flash backs of Emily’s marriage with her old boo and it’s not good. They try to get pregnant (which btw I hate that phrase, it was just her trying to get pregnant, it’s not like he’s carrying the child) so she’s trying to get pregnant and she can’t so it kind of leads her to drink and she becomes a slopfest galore and we also get flashbacks of blond girl #2 with her therapist and see how she like slowly seduces him and it’s all very sad.

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So at this point the police have questioned Emily and her roommate is like you are actually worse than I thought and you MUST leave now – so logically Emily goes to the dead blonde girls husband and is like “hey I used to be your wives friend, she was having an affair with someone, I saw it from the train (red flag) I think I can help, and like the dumbass he is, the husband is like yea, sure whatever, COOL.

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Fucking idiot. because clearly Emily was never friends with your wife and also does not have a job.

So they kind of become friends and she starts hanging around his house AND let me also add that this whole time Emily is obsessively calling her ex husband, like 27 times a day, calling the house, the whole nine yards. Ok back to present so yes, Emily starts hanging with the dead girls husband and one day he eventually finds out that she’s basically cray and was seen getting off the train in the same area as where his wife was found dead.

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That’s right bitches, the blackout that we didn’t see was actually Emily seeing a blonde girl, and running after her, then blacking out. A mere 20 mins later blonde girl #2 was found dead in the woods. So now Emily is like

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But she can’t remember because she’s in a constant state of drunkenness. So in a strange twist she starts going to the therapist that blonde girl #2 was having an affair with (because why not?) and stops drinking and slowly starts to get her shit together. So one day she’s taking the train home and runs into her ex’s old boss and she’s like ‘Hey girl, I’m so sorry about ruining your party that one time” and the boss is like listen hoe, ain’t no thang your husband was a fuckboi supreme, we’re so glad you gt rid of him especially since he was fucking everything that walked’

AND THEN SINCE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE FOREVER SINCE SHE’S SOBER EMILY REALIZES HER HUSBAND WAS DOING THE ABSOLUTE MOST.

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She’s like holy shit – that time when I thought I came after him with a golf club, it was HIM

That time when I got drunk at the bosses holiday party and thought I ruined everything, it was HIM

He twisted all me memories and made me think I was having a 2007 Britney Spears meltdown but in fact it was him that was le worst.

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It’s about to be on and poppin.

MEANWHILE back in sweet town USA, Blond girl #1 who is now married to Emily’s ex is doing what all side pieces turned main pieces do….snooping.

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So she finds a burner phone in his bag which is like dead giveaway #1 that you’re creeping while she’s sleeping and she goes to check the messages AND LO AND MOTHERFUCKING BEHOLD THE VOICEMAIL BOX BELONGS TO DEAD BLONDE GIRL #2.

Now if you’re like me at this point you are confused AF. so I’ll break it down for youScreen Shot 2016-10-20 at 3.09.02 PM.png

Emily’s ex was having an affair first with blonde girl #1 and now with blonde girl #2 – blonde girl #2 is dead, why else would the ex have a dead girls phone? oh that’s right. Because he killed her.

Now this review has already gone on long enough so let me wrap it up, in the following order here’s what happens next.

  1. At the same time that blonde girl #1 realizes her husband killed blonde #2 so does Emily
  2. Emily (after coming to the realization that her husband is an abusive psychopath) tries to come and warn #1 about the abuse
  3. We get a flashback that confirms that the ex did in fact kill #2 because she was pregnant with his baby and he doesn’t want it.
  4. Emily comes to the house to warn #1 about her husbands shitty ways
  5. The ex knocks the shit out of Emily and tries to kill her
  6. Emily ends up killing the husband while #1 watches
  7. Big fucking sigh of relief.

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And that ladies and gentlemen is Girl on the Train.

 

 

Therese Raquin – the abridged version

My co-worker has some sort of cool subscription to plays around New York City and sometimes she asks me to go with her!

Most recently we saw Therese Raquin with Kiera Knightley. This is the rundown.

We start off with Therese

a solemn little girl who doesn’t like to talk too much. I think she was walking by a river when the scene opens? but I can’t remember.

We also get introduced to her annoying “brother”/ friend/ cousin

who has some sort of a peg leg situation and her mom.

She’s not really a nun but this is how she was dressed the whole time.

Now the play was super long and I kind of spaced out at many points because the lead guy was SUPER cute, but that besides the point.

Therese’s nun mom is like ok you and your brother – friend need to get married because it’ll be good for all of us and he has some money somewhere and we’re broke AF.

and Therese is like

I don’t want to marry this young old man (name Camille). We grew up together, he has a weird peg leg and I don’t like him at all.

And her mom is like

Bitch…

Didn’t I just tell you we didn’t have any money.

and she’s like fine.

So they get married, she is NOT happy.

Camille decides he wants them to move to Paris so he can pursue a better career or whatever.

So they move into a new house and Therese is like I fucking hate this shit.

I’m lonely, my husband and weird and I have no friends. So Camille decides to invite some of his old army friends over, including his old BFF – Laurent.

So he walks into the house and she’s like

Oh dear.

Sweet Lord.

I’m in trouble.

SO basically they begin a torrid affair sneaking around

 

knocking boots in the house, in the streets and his place everywhere basically.

After some time she’s like “ok Laurent we cool and everything but I cannot keep doing this, we gotta make it official”. BUT keep in mind this is the old days so you can’t get divorced. What shall we do?

LETS KILL HIM.

“Let’s kill Camille, we can go to the river because this little man can’t swim, we’ll push him into the river and he’ll drown!” So they go to the river and their all bopping around in the canoe and the moment of truth comes and they push him in and he drowns.

They have a funeral and it’s super sad blahblah. Some time passes and eventually Laurent is like wtf I’m tired of waiting I wanna get married and Therese is like I know but it can’t be our idea it has to be their idea. SO for now we wait.

 

Then FINALLY Therese’s aunt/guardian nun is like you should get re-married to LAURENT! Camille would want you to be happy.

and Laurent is like

At. Last.

And they’re trying to play it cool but inside Therese’s like

It’s my time to shine!

So they get married and everyone is so happy.

But then shit begins to hit the fan and they both begin to be haunted by Camille’s ghost.

They can’t sleep, can’t eat and can’t even bang. They are worn the f out.

So eventually they’re like, “Welp I guess we made a mistake we shouldn’t have killed him” .AND LO AND FUCKING BEHOLD THE AUNT/NUN IS LISTENING IN AND HEARS THEM TALKING.

So Laurent is like – this bitch has to go

And because Therese is an angel she’s like nope, we’ll just keep her here. For some reason at this point the nun-aunt is also mute? like she had a stroke or something I can’t remember why but she can’t talk or walk or feed herself so she’s basically a prisoner in the house. Anyways, I think she eventually dies. Or she definitely does, I can’t recall. But moving on – Laurent starts drinking heavily, because he’s like what did I get myself into, I killed my bff for this shit.

and Therese is like, “I did not kill my husband for this shit, I’m gonna just have to kill this man because he is really a hot mess.”

So the time comes when she’s like alright this is it – she lures him into the bedroom and  goes to poison him I think? but he’s like AHA BITCH I WAS ABOUT TO KILL YOU TOO!

AND HE HAS A KNIFE BEHIND HIS BACK.

So at this point they’re like ok – obviously we’re both miserable and we cannot move past this so let’s just drink this poison and die romeo and Juliet style.

The End.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kimmel

A month ago my boss told me to enter a contest to win tickets to Jimmy Kimmel in Brooklyn.

A week ago I found out I won tickets to see Kimmel.

5 days ago I went to see Jimmy Kimmel – Jay-Z was the guest, Donald Trump cancelled. Jay-z gave everybody in the audience tickets to the Tidal music show at Barclays. While at the show I saw Jay-z, Beyonce, Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, T.I., Flatbush Zombies, Young Dro, Baes, Justine Sky, Rick Ross, French Montana and more.

These are one of the many reasons I am starting to fall in love with New York again.

Jimmy Kimmel was amazing, he was kind, funny and (late). It was amazing.